Friday, June 12, 2009

New Beginning

My neighbor and I were talking about throwing a sushi party the other day - as we've "talked" about doing this for months. Like running into an old friend at Bloomy's and "talking" about how great it'll be to catch up over coffee, yet weeks and then months pass and you never dial the newly entered digits in your cell.. Well, my neighbor declared: "I'm going to send an Evite!" You know what this meant? The dreaded, the reason why we just "talk". The Evite meant commitment, it meant we are really doing this - at a published time and date - and we were gonna let people know about it...scary territory - with no option to back out.

When I was in my 20's I always wanted a commitment (from the boys, yes...) But now in my 30's I find myself constantly shying away from this. From planning girls nights to even date nights with the husband. Is it from the fear that those I'm requesting a commitment from may reject me? Or am I so selfish that I prefer to have my options open? Or sadly, and I hope this is not the reason: Have I lost my passion? The 20 something version of me was filled with passion, life was about learning all things new, accepting a new challenge everyday. The 30 something version of me is actually quite boring. For instance, I have been unemployed (due to layoff) since April. I since celebrated my 33rd bday and went to Europe. It's now mid-June and I've found myself with idle hands since June 1st. Am I grieving the loss of work? That sounds ridiculous. I should be reveling in the fact that I'm not my friend that's gainfully employed but hates her boss, her job, her company and therefore her life. I should be taking this time to finally lose those 10-15lbs I hate seeing on the scale. I should be smiling every day because I'm not working. I should be taking advantage of this beautiful city. I should stop feeling sorry for myself. I should be...I should be...But yet, I've continued to marinate on the couch watching junk TV. It's time for a new beginning. And I'm writing this blog, so I'm not just "talking" about it with myself. This is a means to bring back my passion. I'm now obligated to myself for exploring old and new experiences, to inspire and to be inspired, and to ultimately get my butt off the couch.

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